Thursday, September 12, 2013 @ 5:57 AM  0 stares

I just cant control my feeling anymore. Cant i just disappeared from this world? Cant i just live in somewhere far away from this country? But out of all, i just want to disappeared. From this world. From the people who know me. From the people who hates me. From the people who "loves" me. 

I know its a sin to talk about my death or my destiny because muslims have been taught well about this matter. But can you feel what i feel right now? Alone. Depressed. Sick. Tired. Pain. Hurt. Do you know how it feels to be me? I've tired making a fake smile. Im smiling outside, but im dying inside. I just dont know how much time will i have to patiently control my feelings in front of society. Because its hard. Really hard. This feelings is slowly killing me. Ive literally changed. No more laughs, just a fake smile. Im dying. Yes. Im dying. Slowly. Without anyone knowing. Im dying.

 You wont see the old me anymore. You wont see the fat me anymore. You wont me laugh over your jokes. You wont ever heard my voice anymore. You wont able to meet me anymore. Why? Because im dying. Ha. Ha. Ha. Yes. Thats the way i laugh. No more big laughter after all. No more jokes from me anymore. 

Everybody hates me. Yes. They used to love me. Care for me. They used to miss me. They used to ask me sincerely without hateful thinking whats going on when im sad or angry. They used to treat me nice. Without hurting me. They used to treat me as their very dearly best friends. But. It changed. Everything has changed. They dont love me anymore. They hate me. They dont miss me anymore. They throw me away from their heart. They dont ask me whats going on anymore. They forget about me. They dont treat me nicely anymore. They hurt me. 

Everything that happened in my life has changed me. From a bright little girl to a dull lady. I dont really have any motivation to do anything anymore. I dont feel like wasting my energy on all the pointless day to the bullshit of life. Just a reminder, fake a smile. Dont let them know you're hurt. They dont care anyway. I was in a fight. With myself.

I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...